💃 Salesforce Admins Declared Obsolete Due to Perfect Users 🕺

Good morning, Salesforce Nerds! Are your users 5-star data enterers?

Flawless input of expected and actual revenue, dates, and searching for existing records before creating a new one?

Could you imagine -

Accurate reports. Automations kicked off with clean inputs, producing expected outputs. Tasks updated with the actual status.

Ever think about the role of a Salesforce admin if users were perfect?

 🧅 PRESS RELEASE 🧅

SAN FRANCISCO - In an unprecedented and completely unforeseen turn of events, salespeople across the globe have suddenly begun using Salesforce correctly—and the fallout has been catastrophic.

“I don’t know what happened,” said longtime Salesforce admin Adam Dole, staring blankly at his screen. “I logged in this morning expecting my usual ticket queue of ‘Why is my report blank?’ and ‘I lost my opportunity, help!’ But… there was nothing. Every field was filled out. Reports were accurate. I… I think I might be out of a job.”

List Views No Longer Resemble a Jackson Pollock Painting

Sales teams have somehow discovered that List Views don’t have to be an abstract collage of filters, missing columns, and cryptic names like “My Pipeline 6/22/22 TEST 2 FINAL (DO NOT DELETE).”

“After years of training, it just clicked,” said VP of Sales Vicky Persson. “I realized I could filter for actual deals I’m working on instead of every opportunity I’ve touched since 2018. It’s been a game-changer.”

Salesforce admins, meanwhile, are left reeling. “I used to spend three hours a week cleaning up List Views,” said admin Adam. “Now… I’m just sitting here, manually inputting fake bad data just to feel something.”

Bad Data Goes Extinct, Leaving Marketing Teams in Existential Crisis

With 100% clean data entering the system, marketing executives are experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms.

“I just don’t know who I am anymore,” whispered CMO Mark Owens. “For years, my entire personality revolved around blaming bad data for our underperforming campaigns. But now… everything’s pristine. No duplicate accounts. No missing emails. No leads named ‘asdf asdf.’ The problem was never the data—it was us.”

In a desperate attempt to reclaim their identity, marketing leaders have begun sabotaging databases, intentionally adding typos and assigning leads to ‘Salesforce Admin (Inactive)’ to simulate the old ways.

Sales Reps Finally Log In, Prompting Panic in IT

IT departments, accustomed to salespeople treating Salesforce like an abandoned gym membership, were caught off guard when reps started logging in daily.

“At first, I thought it was a DDoS attack,” said IT Director Ivan Tee. “But no… it was just real users actually using the platform.”

Reports indicate that some sales reps have even—brace yourself—started using Chatter to ask questions instead of mass emailing the entire company.

“I don’t know what’s happening,” said longtime salesperson Sally Pell. “Yesterday, I was about to ask our admin to manually export all my open opps into Excel so I could update them. But then… I just did it myself in Salesforce. I think I blacked out.”

Executives Stunned as Forecasts Become… Accurate?

With deal stages correctly updated and pipeline data reflecting actual reality, executives are struggling to cope.

“Our quarterly revenue forecast has always been a magical guessing game,” said CFO Francis Osborn. “But now… I see actual numbers that match what’s in the bank? We don’t even need a ‘gut-feel adjustment’ to fix the projections? This is unnatural.”

Meanwhile, CEO Evan Oates is experiencing an existential crisis. “If I can’t yell at my CRO about the forecast being off by 30%, then what am I supposed to do on earnings calls?”

Consultants Report Mass Layoffs, as Nobody Needs ‘User Adoption’ Training

With sales teams properly utilizing Salesforce, thousands of consultants have found themselves unemployed overnight.

“I built my entire career on training sales teams to click the ‘Save’ button,” said Salesforce consultant Connie Miller. “I used to charge $300 an hour just to explain the difference between a Lead and a Contact. But now? They already know. I never prepared for this.”

Desperate for work, ex-consultants have started offering “Reverse Training,” teaching reps how to forget everything they’ve learned to restore the natural balance of the Salesforce ecosystem.

Is This the End of the Admin Role?

With Salesforce suddenly running as intended, admins are left questioning their place in the world.

“What’s the point of life if I’m not untangling an automation disaster created by someone who ‘just thought it would work’?” said one teary-eyed admin, now considering a career in pottery.

But don’t worry—some say this utopia won’t last.

“I give it a week before some VP decides to completely change the sales process and insists we do everything in Slack instead,” said Reynolds. “We’ll be back to chaos in no time.”

For now, though, admins everywhere wait. Watching. Hoping. Praying for just one rogue rep to delete an entire quarter’s worth of pipeline.

Because some things… are just meant to be.

BACK TO REALITY

Takeaway

A world where your users are perfect sounds apocalyptic! Or at least, idle hands 🙌 doing the devil’s work 😈.

Thankfully, this world is not real. Nor will it ever be. Humans are gonna human, ie make mistakes, be lazy, and fat finger.

Your job is safe!

SOUL FOOD

Today’s Principle

and now....Your Salesforce Memes